Trust is a doubting thing
by Pearlislove
Summary: Haymitch is not good at being approachable. Effie is not good at trusting others. The result is more often than not a hole lot of secrets, and a hole lot of confusion. Somehow it still become okay.
1. Chapter 1 : Haymitch POV

**A/N: welcome to my Hayffie fanfic! favourites and comments makes my day and make me update, so please give me some! :D also if you don't like it and say so I can improve! 3**

 **Haymitch POV**

"Thanks for accompanying me, Haymitch. It was really fun to hang out some." Katniss smiled at me. She'd been smiling a lot more since her baby girl, Primrose, was born, and her life finally had started to look what a normal should be like.

That didn't mean Katniss wasn't happy that Primrose was big enough that she could leave her alone to go hunt in the woods, though. She had told me how much she missed hunting and being useful under the second half if her pregnancy and the next year after that.

With her second baby on the way I hoped she was working out a strategy to cope when she would get too big and loud to be able to hunt again, because if she was planning to get as difficult and trying as last time, i was pretty sure most people would just wish for her terminate the pregnancy,

"No problem, Sweetheart. See you later!" I waved at her as she took off to the left down to Peeta's bakery, while I continued on my way home to the former Victors village, nowadays mostly called 'the village' for short.

Up ahead I could already see the metal gates, one of them standing open as always during daylight hours. The inhabitants of the village, an odd mix of us remaining victors from Twelve and survivors from district twelve, eleven and ten, only really closed it at times when it was considered necessary for safety, such as night time, or times when all inhabitants would be attending holiday celebrations in town.

Walking through the metal gate and continuing past the nowadays clean and beautiful giant stone Fontaine to my right, I slowly start to feel excited. I'd I left home a few hours before the sunrise to join Katniss on her hunting trip, and seeing as Effie had still been sleeping at the time, returning home now would be my my first chance to talk to her for the day.

Not to mention that I'm I'm bringing some wild game that I'd get to cook for her and the twins later.

The twins

Another reason for my excitement to finally be getting home, is that I looked forward to my Imy children welcoming me I. Of course, some part of my brain still can't help but register how insane it sounds for me to have children, but I also know for certain that I actually I do. I Know that I got two small twin girls named Maysilee and Trinity and I couldn't love anyone more.

They give me a precious feeling I never thought I'd ever get to experience in my entire life. At least not since the fifth Hunger Games, marked on the day by my sixteenth birthday as well.

"DADDY!" Two childish, girly voices calls out, and I look up from the ground only to see my two daughters running down the rode to me, the golden coloured hair they got from their mother flying in the air and still dressed in gray cardigans and heavens blue school uniforms.

I kneel down on the ground to be able to hug them, smiling as I feel their bodies colliding with mines in an attempted tackle hug. Just feeling my arms closing in around their tiny bodies, and enjoying the heat they radiated when I hugged them as well, was really all I ever needed to feel that everything was okay, if I ever doubted it. I don't think I have, not since the rebellion.

"Daddy, I need to tell you something." It's Maysilee that address I, and she looks at me with her serious face. In truth it make her face look like a party balloon but it has taught me when to listen to my for a six year old surprisingly mature daughter.

"yes sweetie?" i ask, using the kindest voice I have. It still sounds a bit gruff and grumpy, but she doesn't seem to notice.

"You can't be in the kitchen. Mommy is on the phone with a capital man, and we cannot bother her." She shakes her head side to side, indicating a 'no' in order to emphasis what she is saying. She obviously see it as an important mission to make sure no one get into the kitchen.

Saying something about that Peeta and Katniss nanny was going to let them play with Primrose, both girls soon run off down the rode on the right side, and with a queasy feeling in my stomach, I continue my walk home. Home to my beloved wife.

Who was currently on the phone with a capital man. The thought of Effie talking with someone from her old home isn't really that far fetched, but it seems strange. When she came out here to live with me, it was clear that she wished to distance herself from everything and everyone she used to be and know. But obviously she hadn't cut ties with everyone.

Approaching the house, I can clearly see Effies silhouette behind the curtains in the Kitchen window. One hand is pressed to her ear and I assume it must mean she's still on the phone with the mysterious man.

Sneaking closer to the kitchen window, I hide behind the rose bushes she planted next to the window because she thought the garden need some colour, fully and without shame intending to listen in on your wife's conversation.

"Yeah, yeah, I know!" Her voice rise and she sound mad, but then she sight. "I know I got to tell him, but I don't how… I mean, I'm not even sure I want this...and what if the girls find out then? If I decided to...they'd be devastated…"

After this Effie became quite, obviously listening to what the man on the other line was saying, and I took the time to think about what I heard. It had sounded so strange, what she had said to that man. It had sounded like...like...no. I quickly dismissed the thought. It had sounded some like my mom when I was small, when she was discussing divorcing my dad with her friends, but why the hell would Effie be discussing divorcing me with anyone? Why would she even want to divorce me?

I was more than well aware that our marriage wasn't a perfect, and many would probably consider two people like us having a family together, but it had worked out between us, both before and after Effie got pregnant in the first place, a little surprise all of it's own that I have to admit I was very sceptical at first...but Effie had wanted to keep the child so badly, I agreed. For her I'd do anything, and I had sort to assumed she felt the same.

"Arvid, listen to me! I hear what your saying, and...what?" Effie stopped midsentence, the man, Arvid, obviously saying something on the other end. "Oh god no! No. I wouldn't be calling you if he was home… but now that you mention it, he'll be coming back soon, so i better hang up. Yeah, love you to. bye dear!"

I heard the click sound followed by the phone being put back in it's holder on the wall ,and I know the mysterious conversation was over, meaning it was safe for me to 'return' home now.

Without hesitating I knocked on the window, smiling happily and pretending I just came back as she stared at me in shock. I could tell she was scared that I had heard, which made the funny feeling in my gut only get worse, but I decided I'd talk to her about it later, when the kids were all sleeping and we had the house to ourselves.

"Haymitch?" Effie called out in surprise, throwing the window open and reaching out to hug me. "When did you get home?"

"Just now, saw you in the kitchen and thought I'd surprise. Got some wild game, too." I reached out and answered the hug, momentarily pushing the thoughts of what I heard out of my head.

"Oooh, that's lovely! Come around to the kitchen, and you can show me it!" Effie smiled, giving a kiss on the cheek that was sure to leave a lipstick mark. though she had resigned to use a minimum of no adays, the lipstick had been one of those things she never really wanted to let go off, and he let her have it.

"Why don't I climb in through the window? promise i won't rip my pants on the rose bushes?" I smiled playfully, wincing as Effie hand hit me in the head, a surefire no in her world.

"Don't even think of it! You're gonna destroy my roses! Go around, mister!" She laughed, pointing around the corner of the house.

Will the mrs be waiting for me while I do?" I asked, arching a brow.

"Yes, now go!" She laughed, and as rounded the corner I suddenly felt as everything was very wrong. After all,if she really was happy with me, then why would she been talking about divorcing me with some _capital man?_ A feeling of betrayal was starting to grow inside me, and it made me feel bad, feel disgusting and two-faced, because the last thing i ever wanted to do was to _assume_ things about Effie.

I knew that if we always assumed things about eachother, then we could count on the relationship to end faster than anyone could blink.

As I stepped into the kitchen, i saw that Effie had sat back down by the kitchen table, and was now looking through some stacks of papers, all of which she quickly put away when she saw me enter.

"Hey, dear, how was the hunting trip with Katniss?" She asked, smiling a obviously strained smile.

"it was great. What were those papers? Bills?" I asked innocently, all too well knowing that was probably not it and feeling like today really wasn't my day.

"oh, no, it's just..uh...the kids evaluations from school! hehe…" She picked up a random paper and looked at it. "They say Trinity's falling behind in math...maybe we need to work on it with her at home?"

"That's on you, not me! You know I can't make sense of those darn numbers…" I sighed, scratching myself in the head. I had never really been good with math, or numbers, but the school's in twelve had never been that great, either. They were better now, but back in they days the children was not allowed any education after the age of twelve. apparently the state had seen it as wasted resources.

"Alright I'll do that. Who's cooking dinner tonight?" Effie asked, pretending to kepe reading the paper, though i knew she probably wasn't, because she wasn't acting the way she usually did when she was reading.

"Me" I answered. "Unless you suddenly want to pluck a bird."

Without even giving me as much as a second look, Effie got up and left the kitchen, grabbing all the papers and bringing them with her.

I slowly grabbed the bird, a million thoughts running through my head. I knew exactly what to do, since I had cooked these birds for Effie and the kids often enough that I could do it in my sleep. Because of this, I allowed myself time to reflect on everything i had experienced lately.

Could be Effie be intending to divorce me? An who had that man that she called been? Could it be...was Effie meaning to leave me for some capital man that she believed could make her happier than our little family did?

I wanted so badly to ask her, confront her and ask what the hell what was going on, demand she's honest with me.

I wanted to know if i didn't make her happy

If she wanted someone who could tell her exactly how much her loved her without being afraid that ghosts from the past would come and take her, someone who could be the Prince Charming she deserved.

A capital man

"Haymitch?"

Suddenly Effie's in the doorway, dressed in that beautiful, fluttery gray dress you bought for her birthday. You would have kissed her, because you loved her in that dress, hadn't it been for what was going on in my head.

"What are you doing here?" The words come off sounding much harder than i want them to, and I can see her backing off. I can see that i scarred her.

"Is dinner ready soon?" It's not what she want to say, but it's all she dare to say now, because I scared her. Sometimes I forget how skittish she became because of the rebellion.

"Yeah real soon. Can you set the table, hun?" I ask, pointing to the cabinet where we keep the plates.

"Sure thing darling." She says. "Sorry"

The mumbled apology just makes what she already did worse. It was the first time in a long while that she had called darling, and I was starting to feel increasingly worried about what was going on, because it was by now obvious that even Effie was aware of that i was onto her. The apology she added only served to show that she knew she shouldn't have been calling me darling, that she was nervous and it slipped out.

Proceeding with what she was doing and setting the table for the dinner, not making a single attempt to break the silence between us.

Normally Effie would be telling me all about what happened when she was gone, but considering the circumstances, all of it made worse by her little slip up, i was just thankful she was keeping quiet so I wouldn't risk snapping on her again.

Once dinner had been prepared, I went out on the front porch and called for the girls to come home from Peeta and Katniss home across the street, the two girls immediately running to get here at the prospect of dinner, starving after having spent all afternoon playing with Primrose and skipped their afternoon snack.

I had pretend that me and Effie refusing to talk would make the dinner extremely awkward and clumsy, but in the end it turned out it wouldn't. Trinity and Maysilee, eager to tell everything about what they learned in school and what they did with Primrose, had no trouble filling out the silence.

After we all finally finished the dinner the clock had gotten quite late, and I sent the girls to bed immediately, ordering them not to stay up and look in picture books, but go to sleep immediately. It wasn't as much that I was afraid they'd stay up all night, but that I was anxious and _ to be able to ask Effie about the phone call I had overheard earlier, and i didn't want to do it when the children was still awake.

After half an hour, Effie came out of their room, a smile on her face and two empty glasses of milk in her hands.

"They're asleep now. " She said happily, smiling.

"Fantastic." I smiled a bit sheepishly, feeling as if I was about to be interrogated, though it was obviously I that would be asking the questions. "Now, Effie I need to talk with you about something that I happened to overhear…" I quickly stopped talking as Effie gestured for me to do so, at the same time putting down both the glasses she was holding on the nearest table.

"Haymitch, please not today." She begged, her voice low and quivering as she refused to meet my eyes. "We can talk tomorrow."

"Promise me." I reacted quickly, grabbing her wrist before she could run away and not caring that she flinched. "Promise me, Effie!"

Now she met my eyes, a look of determination on her face. With one snap of her wrist, she got herself free from my loose grip and she nodded.

"Tomorrow." She said, before running off down the hall to our bedroom. I sighted, deciding that I'd sleep on the couch tonight, and the I could join her in bed again tomorrow.

I never liked comfortable beds anyway.


	2. Chapter 2 (Effie's POV)

I knew calling Arvid had been a huge mistake. I should have known Haymitch would come home the exact moment i decided to call him, and that he would hear of _everything_ without even really know _what_ it was about. Unfortunately, I had woken up that morning, sick to the stomach and slightly dizzy, only to discover that Haymitch had already left hours earlier to accompany Katniss on one of her hunting trips out in the woods.

I didn't blame him. He always liked walking in the woods and being close to the nature, more than he liked to admit. And with Katniss already expecting her second little baby, who knew how, many more chances he would get before Katniss couldn't do it anymore and Peeta started forcing her to stay home?

But being alone with the kids all day had still made me feel abandoned. The sick feeling in my stomach hadn't wanted to go away from most of the day, and when the afternoon came I had been feeling desperate for someone to talk to about my issue, desperate enough that I had taken a chance and called my brother, of which I had never told Haymitch. To be fair, though, I hadn't managed to reestablish contact with Arvid until _after_ I married Haymitch, as he had (to begin with) hated me for involvement in the rebellion, something that wasn't made better by me moving out to District twelve and dating a victor. Either way, everything had been working out perfectly, being on the phone with Arvid actually helping me relax a bit and everything.

But that's when Haymitch appeared in the window.

Even though he acted like nothing had happened, as if he just came the second after I hung up on the phone, I knew that I must have heard what I'd been saying, and it made me feel uneasy, aggravating my already upset stomach further. Thankfully, he told me he brought home wild game, which of course meant that everyone would be so eager to get as much as possible for themselves that they wouldn't notice if I ate less than usual.

Not ready to confront him and tell him the truth that night, as Arvid had suggested I'd do, I instead tried my best to act as normal as I could, hoping to erase any suspicions that I might have given Haymitch through having a mysterious phone call with a stranger and looking through documents that he couldn't look at.

It worked pretty well, and at one point I even manage to convince myself that I could tell Haymitch what was going on , that I could do it right at that second and he'd be very happy to hear about it.

Slowly, I stepped into the kitchen, whispering his name as I watched his hands move so expertly, preparing a meal like so many times before. But I don't get the response i usually get. Instead of answering in his mild, loving voice that uses only me and the kids, he's snapping at me and looking angry and all at once all the courage I had built left me, so i no longer dared to tell him. Instead I asked how long it was left till dinner. He told me it was soon ready and asked me to set they table.

"Sure thing darling." It took me only a second to realise my mistake, and I didn't waste a moment apologising. "Sorry"

I felt embarrassed. Now, Haymitch was most certainly going to know that something must be going on, that there was something I wasn't telling him. I hadn't called him darling since before the rebellion, because it was word that had and always would belong to the old Effie Trinket, to the Escort Effie trinket. She liked calling everyone darlings, because that's what they were in her eyes.

Effie Trinket Abernathy **didn't** call people darlings, and yet i just did. Because of my distraction , my fear and my worries, i hadn't thought about what i was saying and an old word that shouldn't be used slipped out of my mouth and somehow I knew it had scared Haymitch as much as it scared me.

If only i dared to tell him the truth

I didn't. Instead i let the silence between us grow thicker and thicker, refusing to speak out of fear that'd be wrong, and instead just letting the children, our wonderful twin girls, fill the silence with all their stories of what they did in school, and of how much fun they had when they played with Katniss daughter Primrose during the afternoon. I found the two six year olds stories immensely cute but refrained from saying much, determined to win this silent fight between me and Haymitch

After diner, Haymitch thought the clock was too much, and immidatly decided to send the kids to an effort to avoid him and the questions that was sure to come a little logner, I volunteered to go upstairs and help the kids get ready for the night. I hoped it would be enough time for me to prepare to tell Haymitch the truth.

Half an hour later, the kids was sleeping and I slowly forced to leave their bedroom , only to find haymitch waiting in the hallway.I could see his face, the hurt hidden in his eyes and the insecure frown resting on his lips. He was doubting me, and I, I was doubting myself

But I still needed more time before I could tell him. So instead of just getting it over with, I smiled and told him that the kids had finally gone to sleep, looking to prolong the inevitable further.

The he proceeded to ask you the question, and even though you knew it was coming, you felt panic filling your mind, and instead of telling your secret you told you'd do it tomorrow.

He didn't believe you, you could see that. He gripped your wrist hard, pinning it down against the table, making you flinch and think of evil capitol men and dark dungeons, but though he had to have noticed he didn't see to care. Instead, he made you promise, he made you promise that you'd tell him the next day. You promised yourself that too.

When you finished you ran away to the bedroom, knowing he wouldn't follow but secretly not being able to stop hoping for it anyway.

Sometimes it bothered you how easily he gave up on you, much more easily than you ever gave up on him. you never gave up on him.

The next morning I wake up because i'm screaming, and I'm not sure where I am. The logical part of my brain tells me there's nowhere i could be but my home in The village in district twelve, but the emotional part of me scream that it can't be because if it was, then I wouldn't have nightmares, and i would a sleeping husband right by my side.

Then I remember what happened the day before. My stomach react immediately, forcing me to run to the bathroom and barely make it there before what little is left on last night's dinner come right up, and i swear it's as if it further wanted me to remember what I had to do to day.

I had to tell him the secret, that I'd been holding in for almost a week now, and who no one but my far away brother living capitol knew of.

I careful tip-toed out of my room and into the hallway, glancing at the clock and immediately seeing that it should be much to early for either the girls or Haymitch to be up yet.

I consider to go back to bed, but the fear of the nightmare that I can't really remember keep me away form it, tells me being up for few extra hours will be worth it and that i can catch up on sleep tonight when I (hopefully) have my husband sleeping in the same bed as me again.

It amazing what a little human contact can do to fend of unspeakable nightmares that haunt you.

When I come down the stairs, I see haymitch splayed out on the couch, caught up in deep slumber. He looks absolutely peaceful as he lay there and snor with all his limbs hanging off the edges, but I can tell from the pillows and the quilts on the floor that it's been a long night for him. As I walk closer to him to try and tell if he'd been drinking after I stormed off, I'm taken by surprise as he suddenly start to move around, mumbling something in his sleep.

"Maysileeeee…" He moans, immediately making me back off. It wasn't the first time he mistaken me for someone else, one of two dead woman who I never met. Either Maysilee or Caroline. It was hurtful, but i said nothing, because knew they meant nothing to him anymore.

Because I didn't want to deepen his guilt.

Moving on, I tip-toed into the kitchen, meaning to make myself something to eat, because like it or not I knew I needed to eat.

The phone rang before I even made it to the fridge, and I could already hear Haymitch swearing in the other room. It would only take moments before he was awake and up on his feet and therefor I quickled hurried to grab the phone and unhook it.

"Abernathy-Trinket household, how can I help you?" I said in a half-whisper, trying not to make a belching sound when my stomach twisted again. I swore this child was gonna kill me, the twins haven't given nearly as much trouble this early on...though on the other hand, it might just been the stress of keeping everything a secret that was affecting me. I didn't know.

"Eff? It's me, Arvid. Did you tell that husband of yours what you were supposed to last night?" Arvids rushed voice reached my ears and I frowned. I know he wouldn't be satisfied with what I did.

"No. I didn't dare...oh, Arvid, he seemed so mad! What's he going to say about this? About _another_ child, when he barely wanted the first two."

A sigh on the other side, and a silence when Arvid contemplated what to say.

"Little sis, your his _wife._ He's the _dad_ of your goddamn children and let me tell you from experience, it's a commitment. It means that you owe your partner certain things. Like _telling if your pregnant with another child. "_

"What if he doesn't believe it's his?" The question comes out as a whisper, something I actually weren't really meaning to say. But it was valid. When I first became pregnant, Haymitch asked if they'd been his, more as a possible explanation as to how we could possibly have children than accusing me of cheating.

I had told him it was his and he believed me. But now I was pregnant again, and I feared that Haymitch would once more find him self doubting if they, all of them but most of all this one, really could be his.

"Find a way to convince him! Damn it, Eff, your not mommys little prize-winning princess anymore. Just living a life like the one you have would make mother turnover in the grave, so make use of your freedom and tell your goddamn husband he knocked you up!"

After telling me off, Arvid hung up on me, and i felt disappointed. He had told exactly what I knew he would tell me, yet I had hoped for more help, more support so I could build up confidence enough to come clean and tell Haymitch what was going on.

"Never expect to get help from a Trinket" I muttered as i put the phone where it belonged.

"I didn't think there were any more Trinkets than you?"

I hadn't heard him coming, not originally, but now he was suddenly standing behind me and breathing down my neck, questioning me about things I should probably have told him already… but at least he was asking me about the one of the two things I should tell him that i was actually ready to tell him at any given moment.

"I have a brother. His name is Arvid and… I thought he was killed in the rebellion. The bombings were so intense, I had no reason to be believe he would have made it…" My voice cracked. He wasn't much, my brother, but I could never pretend that he didn't matter to me. Even faulting persons can be worth admiring.

"When did you get in touch with him again?" Haymitch arms wrapped around my waist, hugging me, and I held my breath. "Baby? Is something wrong with your brother?"

"Arvid's fine. And I regained contact with him six months after i married you. He got hold of our address and sent a letter." I was terrified, afraid that Haymitch sensitive hands would feel a difference as they closed in around my stomach, that he would figure it all out before I could tell him and it would make him hate me even more. "I need to tell you something"

"In general?" His arms sneaked closer around my waist, dragging me towards him and pinning me against his stomach, and I didn't know if he was being threatening or protective. When it came to my husband both could be equally likely depending on the situation. "Or about what you promised me yesterday?"

I was scared out of my mind. My heart was beating crazily fast and I was choking on tears as I tried to get his hands free from my stomach. From our baby.

"I CAN'T TELL YOU!" The scream finally thore out of my throat as I bent loose his hands and turned to face him. "I can't fucking tell you because you scare me and goddamn it I'd rather discuss it with my stupid capitol brother than the father of all three of my children!"

"Oh sweetheart...why would you be...wait, did you say three children?" He seemed surprise, looking at my stomach and reaching out to pull me closer again. I immediately pulled away, as fearful as ever.

"I'm pregnant, Haymitch. About three weeks in..." My voice broke, and the tears streamed down my chins. I had told him.

"Yay, we're having a little sibling!" The two childish girl voices reached my ears and i spun around, facing our two baby girls still dressed in their pyjamas as they jumped up and down where they were standing in the doorway to the kitchen.

It was too much to handle. Letting out a strangled noise, I felt my knees giving up beneath me, and haymitch catching me and guiding me to a chair. I wasn't sure really what he was saying or doing, or what I was saying or doing, but I saw the kids running out of the room and once they disappeared I slowly started to feel like I could actually breath again.

"You okay sweetie?" Haymitch asked, kneeling beside me even though I knew it hurt his legs to do so. "Why were you so afraid to tell me the truth?"

"I'm fine." I said, realising it didn't sound true at all, as I was almost choking on my tears again, but not knowing what to do about them.. "A-and I was scared because...I thought you'd be mad. And hurt me."

Now it was Haymitch holding his breath, his fingers slowly climbing up my arm as he relished in memorise of the past. Memories of the few times he hurt me.

"You don't trust me?" He asked, the question simple enough, but I could see guilt and hurt in his eyes.

"I trust you, but...you never wanted children, if it was your choice we wouldn't have kept the twins. I thought you'd not believe it is yours, or ask me to get rid of this one. I thought you'd hate me…"

I see confusion and anger flashing in his eyes at my statements, and I try to draw back, but instead I somehow find myself buried in Haymitch chest, his big, strong and sometimes dangerous arms wrapped tightly around my petite body.

"I love the twins. I'm glad we kept them…" He paused, looking me straight in the eyes. "And I can't hate you. If you tell me the child is mine, I believe you. The question is what we do with it."

He was suggesting it, what I told him that I feared he'd say. He didn't want to keep the child.

"I'm going to keep the child." I waited for the slap, his big, hard hand making contact with my delicate jaw, complete with the pain that followed. But it never came. He didn't hurt me, he didn't scream and he didn't throw me against anything.

He did nothing but hug me harder.

"The our daughters are getting a sibling." Was all he said.


End file.
